I hate sperm. It’s gooy and gross. After sex, I don’t want to cuddle or spoon. I want to wash that crap off me.
In Israel, men are way too obsessed with their sperm. My (Israeli American) husband and I often argue about this. In Israel, there is a thing called “sperm stealing.” When I first heard this phrase, I pictured a woman dressed as a ninja sneaking into a man’s bedroom to manually stimulate him for the purpose of collecting his sperm. Not too terribly unlike this woman from Clerks:
Maybe later she would write a ransom note: if you ever want to see your sperm again, bring me 1,00,000 shekles. Or maybe it was more like this joke I once heard:
A man and a woman get in an elevator. The man holds the door open for the woman and asks her what floor.
“Two. There’s a blood bank there. They pay $10 for a pint of blood.”
The man presses two for her and five for himself.
“What’s on the fifth floor?” she asks.
“A sperm bank. They pay $100 for half a cup of sperm.”
The next day the same man and woman are getting into the elevator. The man asks the woman, “what floor?”
She mumbles with her mouth full, then indicates with all her fingers “five.”
Yeah, you kind of have to tell his joke in person. But even then, it’s not much funnier.
But neither of these things is sperm stealing in Israel. Sperm stealing is carrying an accidental pregnancy to term or lying to your significant other other about using birth control. Let that sink in: they call it theft. There’s no sense of “well, once you throw it out, you lose any property interest in it.” My husband and I argue over a man’s right to his sperm after he ejaculates.
A while ago, my husband told me the story of an Israeli married couple who froze zygotes while the woman was going through some sort of health problems. They divorced. The ex-wife wanted a baby (she couldn’t use her own eggs anymore). After back and forth with the court, she was eventually allowed to use the babysicles to have a baby.
When my husband first told me this story, it was still at the point where one of the intermediate courts told her no, she couldn’t use the babysicles. They would have to be destroyed. Interesting that what Fundamentalist Christian Americans call life, Israelis considered a property interest.
More recently he told me about a woman in Israel who bought sperm from a sperm bank. She used some and froze the rest, wanting to save it for later so her kid would have a biological sibling. The sperm donor, who had nothing to do with the kid, had a religious experience and decided that he wanted to un-donate his sperm. And a court agreed that he could. They let him take back his sperm. The court said this isn’t a contract case, but that the guy has a right to not have little assholes running around. And the woman didn’t even get a refund. (That, I think, is really sperm stealing.)
I can only conclude that Israelis are way too interesting in the disgusting crap that comes out of their bodies. This is my only explanation for why my husband wanted to take a picture of the exceptionally large booger that I blew out of my nose the other day.